Most of the time, I’m moving so quickly, I hardly have time to notice it. I move through the days at ninety miles an hour. Cleaning, studying, changing diapers, bathing my girl, feeding her. Dinner time comes, and goes. Bedtime for her. Then time slows immensely. I throw myself into my studies. I keep running.

But, sometimes, the quick pace is overcome. The nagging pain surfaces. And I remember how much, how intensely I miss my Soldier. My husband.

I have been struggling with this the last few days, which is frustrating since I’d been doing really well the last few months. I missed him, yes. But, I kept moving. Quickly. The last few days, I’ve been stumbling a bit.

I stood outside the other night during intermission of a play. I stared into the sky, watching the thumbnail of the moon. He has the same sky, I tried to comfort myself. But, I wanted him to have the same square footage, the same piece of concrete, the same moment. Tonight, I looked at his pictures, the ones where he is sitting in our living room, our den. My mind is confused; was he here, it asks. It’s odd how quickly it seems like eons. He was here, I tell myself. And, God willing, he’ll be here again.

I know in a few days I will be back to my breakneck speed. I just have to acknowledge this. But not wallow. After that, I will be at the top of my game again. I just needed to reset, I guess.

So, I miss you. A lot.

Now, to finis that silly paper.

2 thoughts on “

  1. I enjoyed reading this blog. I have just begun to recently to pull myself out of the hole I fell into. I am a new army wife, and my husband is currently at AIT. I guess I started tripping when he left. It was espically hard when I heard he was going to a 1 year unaccompied duty station. I broke down. It was like I woke up on day and decide I was done feeling sorry for myself. I was not only hurting my dh of 6 years, but my two kids. That is something I never wanted to do.

    So tonight I am going to pray for people like me, who are stuck in their holes. And people like you who stumble a little along the way. I pray for the safe return of you husband and I look forward to read more of your blogs 🙂



  2. Rachel, thank you. Your prayers mean more than you can know. I was in the same hole for a week after my husband left. It was an awful and dark place, but I decided I wasn't going to stay there. My husband deserved better. This week has been truly tough, but at least at the end of the day I know I am one step closer to having him home.

    I will add you to our nightly prayers. This is a tough life, but there is joy in it.


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