I am selfish.
I have been given so many graces and blessings lately–God has been far too good to me. Despite several threats, Mary stayed put till her due date. Richard was sent home at the last minute for the birth. And, my little girl’s arrival was healthy and quick, despite some potentially very serious complications. Mommy, Daddy, and our girls were able to get some serious quality time in before and after the birth. And my Soldier was there, holding my hand, as we brought forth another blessed life into this world.
What more could I ask for? Ask God.
Yesterday afternoon, as I hit Crazy Time (late afternoon/early evening), Richard called from Iraq. He had made it back safely, and had some news for me. It wasn’t the news I wanted to hear. I had prayed for better news. I was upset and angry. Once I got off with him, I finally cried. It’s been a really long time since I have cried. And I couldn’t stop till I ran out of tears. Which took awhile. I had a long one-sided conversation with Him.
Then, I called my family.
“Adrienne. This is quite an honor for Richard. You have to be strong for him. It’s not easy for either of you–but think how hard this is on him. He needs your strength and support right now, especially.”
My dad was right. I was so selfish! The news Richard had was much better than anything I could have imagined 12 months ago, as I was preparing to ship him off. It was better what I knew a month ago. We were being given a huge blessing…and it wasn’t good enough.
Poor God. I don’t know why He keeps letting me come back. I am trying to be okay with the news. I am selfish, and that’s something I’ve realized won’t change over night. I will work on coming to peace with what I was told, while being here with two young children. But, rather than focus on the negative, I’ve got to focus on the positive. What God has blessed me with–two beautiful children, an amazing spouse, a chance to see him again. I have to focus on the blessing in the news, not the negative I added to it.
I will be strong. For him.
I will be supportive. For him.
Because I wouldn’t do this for anyone else. My Soldier is the only one who makes living this worth it. Who makes surviving and thriving possible. And God? He’s the one who gives me the strength and grace to fulfill the mission. And lets me keep coming back.