So last night, I had this horrible dream. I had a bird’s eye view on Richard in Iraq. He was sitting in what appeared to be some sort of bed or something with five Iraqi children while he read to them. All the while, mortar fire was going off around them. As my view got closer and closer, Richard looked up at me with the most mournful expression and I knew what was about to happen. I was about to watch my husband die in Iraq.
I woke up before that happened, thankfully. But, I spent the next 20 minutes pacing the house, convincing myself that wasn’t going to happen. I went and checked on Elizabeth, who was oddly awake herself, and we snuggled for a bit. I finally crawled back into bed and snuggled close to my husband.
The footlocker is right next to the Christmas tree, ironically. The last thing I wanted for Christmas this year were deployment orders. But, we’ve got them. I remember last New Year’s, just as the clock struck twelve a.m., praying so hard my husband would be here all year, that we’d celebrate New Year’s of 2011 with him in the same room. Ha Ha, God. He ships out a couple of weeks after New Year’s. That actually is funny to me.
Yesterday, we met with our financial advisor and were completing the “just in cases” for the deployment. The way she so freely and, sometimes laughingly, talked about the various scenarios of Richard’s death disturbed me greatly. It hits on a very deep, very real fear (often times more like a premonition) that Richard won’t make it home. I’ve spoken of this terribly dark and paralyzing fear to two other people–my husband and a very dear friend.
That’s why the dream terrified me so much last night. It’s why I paced the floor, why I stood, staring at that G0d-awful footlocker at 2 am. I’d like to kick it, but I think that would hurt me more than it would hurt it. I just pray my fear is wrong. That Richard will come home. And that this war and everything will end. This Christmas, I understand the prayer for Peace on Earth. If we human beings just knew how to get along, life would be a lot easier for everyone. But try explaining that to us–we are such a stubborn species.
Meanwhile, I try to ignore that massive black box, to shush the fear, to focus on Today. While my husband is home. Christmas will be wonderful because we will make it wonderful. New Year’s will be celebrated with all its festivities. Then, life will begin. But, I deal with that Tomorrow.