We are strange creatures, we people.
The entirety of our experience comes through our five senses. Everything we learn, everything we know is based on what we can see, hear, smell, touch, taste. So, when we can’t sense something, it’s that much harder to grasp. Especially when we’ve become accustomed to doing so.
It’s been a week since we said good-bye. It seems like longer. Much longer. Seems like it’s been weeks. Weeks since I’ve heard his voice or felt his touch. At first this was so hard, especially last Sunday. That was the worst night so far. But, then it felt like he just stopped existing. Days have a new normal and we just plug along. Before, I worked towards evening, when he’d walk through the door. Now, I’m not sure what I move towards. Just the next moment. The next block of time–morning, afternoon, evening, night. I just keep moving.
Some moments are hard. Mostly, moments are boring. I try not to get emotional because it’s weak and reminds me how hard this is and how hard it’s going to be. I start to think we are well into this and the end of it all must be near, only to remember it’s just beginning. He will come home, be here for a little while, and leave again. This whole vicious cycle will start anew. I will be reminded of his touch, his smell, and then lose it all over again and for a much longer time.
I thought evening would be toughest. It’s not. I just throw myself into cleaning or schoolwork and keep busy, just as I have been all day. It’s night time. When the house gets quiet. And dark. And I crawl into a big, empty bed. My mind has nothing to distract it, and I become acutely aware of the emptiness next to me. Aware of the cold, empty space.
I tell myself he’s out there. Even though I can’t see him. Or feel him. He’s out there. But, it feels so weird.