There are moments when my heart aches, starving for some sort of immaterial comfort. A giant, gaping hole of which I suddenly become aware, desperately wanting be filled with something. Soft. Comforting. But, I find nothing.
I went to Confession during The Wait. I told the priest that I couldn’t talk to God, that I didn’t even want to go to Church. He began telling me about pulses God’s people go through–the ups and downs. I interrupted him, told him why. My baby had no heartbeat. But, I was still pregnant. I waited for the spiritual something. “I’m sorry. Please say five Hail Mary’s.” Matter of fact. Blunt. Harsh.
People tell me not to dwell on the images. They tell me I have a Saint in Heaven, someone I can pray to for help. At least I have Elizabeth to distract me, they offer joyously. I know they are thinking, thank God that hasn’t happened to me. We all think that when we hear of other’s tragedies. Thank God I’m not her. I wish I wasn’t me, sometimes.
I looked at my husband last week and told him I felt as though I’d been living a gorey horror movie–one I couldn’t escape and didn’t know when it was supposed to end. In the middle of it all, life stopped. Time stood still as I stood in my bathroom doing something no mother should ever have to do. It wasn’t right. That’s not the way it was supposed to happen. Watching my husband cry over his lost child broke me more. The horror movie continued.
I’m sorry, they say. Call me if you need to talk. I can’t. I can’t talk because the details are so gross and so personal that I know poeple don’t want to know. They don’t need to know. So, I feel alone. I walk alone. I search for the comfort, still. Wondering where it is, wandering in search of it. Please, someone give it to me.