I have done a great deal in my life recently. I have finished two books in three weeks, moved half way across the continent, and graduated from college. When I look back on who I was a year ago and how much I have changed, I am rather surprised. My life a year ago was far different in many personal ways than now.
A little over a year ago, I was surrounded by my friends, many of whom lived on my dormitory hall. We spent a great deal of time together, praying, partying, studying all in one or two rooms. We played Ultimate Frisbee every Friday night, sat in Mass in the same pew on Sunday, and attended many of the same classes. My brothers were married to healthy happy wives and one of the new families was expecting a child. My family and home were in a wonderful condition, everyone was healthy and the home was in one piece.
Fast forward one year. I am now graduated and haven’t seen my friends in a month, some for longer. I am having to make some huge and scary decisions about the future, like where I want to work and live. One of my sister-in-laws in sick and her health continues to rapidly deteriorate, while my brother can only stand there and watch. My family’s home suffered flood damage and we don’t have the money with which to fix it. I have other Crosses, which I shall not mention here.
I remember, a year and a half ago, life was full of luster, everything was new exciting. Things were rolling along. I jumped out of bed every morning and went to bed content every night. Every moment was exhilarating and every breath I took was exciting. I was happy.
I realized today I have not felt that way in for some time. Now, life is a struggle, everything is dull. Things are a struggle. I stumble out of bed every morning nad go to bed afraid every night. Some moments are a Cross and some breaths are more of a sigh. I am tired.
At Church this evening, I was reflecting why I felt this way. What was it that was making me feel this way about life recently. There is no excitement and I am afraid. Why? Then it hit me. To borrow a line from a movie, “Something is missing.” Something is missing from my life that makes me feel this way. What is it?
I am not sure. I do know that most of this is probably because my life has been changing faster than I can blink, and the future is incredibly unstable and unknown. I place my hand in the grip of God and let Him lead me to where He wants to go. He will lead me through the dark and give me the missing pieces in His good time. Until then, I shall take it one day at a time until the days are exciting again and each moment is full of anticipation. And then, I shall again live in each moment.